The Sassy King of Mirkwood
by FandomFanFiks
Summary: So this is a story about a girl waking up in mirkwood, she meets the sassy king Thranduil; who thinks she's been sent by Thorin to offer him insults. AU! POST BOTFA; Thorin, Fili and Kili Survives.


"LET GO OF ME, YOU DRAG QUEENS!" I screamed, two men were on either side of me, both gripping me by my arms tightly.

I don't even know what the hell is going on! I woke up in the middle of a majestic looking forest, surround by these angelic elf looking men dressed in sparkly cloaks with shiny gold armor. They were all riding big, brown horses. One who was riding a white horse with long, blonde hair ordered them to escort me back to king Thranduil?

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"And who might this dwarf be?"

Said a deep, smooth voice. I snapped my head up and saw….. An elf looking drag queen man that's sitting on a weird looking throne, along with a weird thorn looking crown, making him look important. He has long flowing blonde hair and big, angry black eyebrows.

What is this place?

"My King; we are uncertain." The elf guard to my right replied. The man who they called 'King' waved his hand, mootioning for them to leave, they bowed their heads and exited.. Leaving me with this thing

"You may come forth," he said, eyeing me curiously.

I stood my ground and did the same. He tilted his head the side while raising one of his thick eyebrows. I crossed my arms over my chest. mimicking him in the process. I will not back down to some kind of elf looking freak that's dressed in drag. He shot up out of his throne abruptly, ascending the steps quickly, he stalked towards me gracefully with a displeased look on his angelic face and loomed over over me.

"Do you know what happens to those who disobey the Elvenking of Mirkwood?"

I snorted, looking him right in the eyes. "I don't obey elf looking men dressed as women," I paused eyeing his crown, "Especially one with lady hair who wears a silly crown made of thorns." His hair is actually amazing by the way, I just felt like bashing his ego like he did mine, by calling me a dwarf…

Bitch.

His face melted into anger, leaning in, he glared down at me with those eyes of his. "Were you sent by your filthy dwarf king to offer me insults!?" He hissed. I gasped dramatically, pressing my hand to my heart. "HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY KING!" I leaned closer, our noses almost touching, locking gazes with each other.

"My... king is a saint!"

He whirled around, his hands clasped behind his back as his hair slapped me in the face, some getting caught in my mouth.

"I knew filth such as he would do such a thing," he bit out.

My king is no such thing!

"Stand your ground, goblin mutant."

I sighed loudly, rolling my eyes at the lame threat. I'm guessing it's the other elf with blonde hair that got me into this whole mess! His voice is just pure sex, by the way. He appeared in front of me with a scowl on his handsome face. Him and this elf queen look alike, they both have the same features, especially their lady hair.

"She has been sent by dwarf scum to offer us insults." The elf queen announced, his voice laced with venom.

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After the man with the Catapillar eyebrows said I was sent by dwarf scum to offer him 'insults', I was escorted by guards to be held in this damn cage! It's been 30 minutes since they locked me in here.

"Stand your ground."

I snapped my head up and saw it was the elf that called me a goblin mutant! He had his guards open the cage door, he walked holding my backpack. He eyed me suspiciously before unzipping the bag.

"What are these?"

I looked up and saw him holding up a pair of my underwear, I rolled my eyes, "Underwear," I mumbled, looking away. How doesn't he know this?

"And what would you call this?"

I looked up again and snorted. "A bra," I answered. He held up my bra and underwear, eyeing them in confusion before throwing them to the ground. "And what sort of weapon is this? he asked.

I shot up, "Who are you!?" I shouted, grabbing my phone out his big hands. I seriously don't know what the hell is going on right now. He leaned in dropping my bag to the ground, and narrowed his blue eyes at me.

"Do not act as if you do not already know of me," he hissed, grabbing the phone back from me.

What is he talking about?!

"Seriously, I don't know what you mean-"

I was shoved rather roughly against the wall, he held my hand behind my back, the side of my face was pressed painfully against the brick wall. I let out a groan, "You little bitch!" I yelled, trashing in his hold.

"Have you any weapons, hmm?" He whispered, his hot breath tickling my ear. Ugh, his voice is a absolutely turn on. Holding me in place with one arm pressed against my back, he used his free hand to pat me down. "Hands off!" I yelled, even though I'm very much enjoying this whole pat down. He let me go and swiftly turned me around to face him, he glared down at me.

"Tell me what your plan is here in mirkwood?" He questioned, "What has your dwarf king sent you to do here in my kingdom?"

Dwarf king?

"I don't know-"

He wrapped his hand around my throat and shoved me against the wall. "You do not know your own king?" His grip tightened.

"Let... go," I choked out, prying at his hands. He released me and stepped back with a scowl on his face. "I wasn't sent here by anyone, especially a king! I don't even know where I am or who you are," I said truthfully, massaging at my throat.

His eyes narrowed, letting me know he wasn't buying it.

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I sighed, curling up against the wall. It's been hours since the bitch left me. leaving me with only my clothes. My stomach growled again, and I ignored it again. I heard the cage door opening, I snapped my head up and saw a guard.

"King Thranduil wishes to see you."

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"Ugh, let go!" I snapped, trashing out of his hold. The guard released me, and stepped back. "Little bitch," I mumbled at the guard, before focusing my gaze at the men that were staring at me. Drag queen was sitting on the top of his throne with a bored expression on his face, while his little twin is standing across from a man dressed in furs, both stood in front of me.

The man with long, black ratty hair walked over, eyeing me closely as he circled around me with his arms clasped behind his back.

"It's a human," he grunted, stoping in front of me before turning around and snapping his head up at the king. "I would never bring shame to my kin by sending a human to your kingdom to offer you insults!"

This must be the dwarf king!

I narrowed my eyes at him, "No shit, Derp!"

"If you did not send her, then who has?!"

I rolled my eyes at the elf kings comment, stupid, bitch...

"NOBODY SENT ME!" I screamed. "I do not know you, or that 'thing'," I said pointing at the dwarf, he grunted letting me know he was insulted. Good. "I assure you I was not sent by any king, or anyone for that matter!" I glared at his bitch face in annoyance.

He just furrowed his big, sharpie drawn eyebrows at me while the other two stood there glaring at me in disgust.

"If no one has sent you," The dwarf started, stalking towards me again, bulk and all. He leaned in, close. "What were you doing on mirkwood grounds, filth?" He bit out, raising an eyebrow.

Filth?

This rat looking, dwarf woman suna-va-bitch is calling me flith?

"I'm... Filth?" I said in disbelief, eyeing him down in pure disgust like he did me. Before he could reply, I raised my hand and slapped him directly across the face, hard.

Gotta keep my pimp hand strong!

His eyes burned with intense rage... I smiled in satisfaction at him. I bet the little dwarf wasn't expecting that!

The caveman stormed past me while yelling in some kind of weird language of his, I looked behind me and saw walk out of the room.

What a little bitch.

I snapped my head around, they both had a pleased look on their angelic faces.


End file.
